Failure to Launch: Friday Frenzy (yesterday)

26 May

OKAY…….My bad.

I missed Friday Frenzy because I was in a frenzy. Literally, I was in a “mind” killing frenzy last night and pretty much this morning.

I feel that working out my violent tendencies in my head, prevents me from acting out on anything in real life.

 PLUS…… I so don’t want to go to prison and give up my satellite television, watered down beer and……oh yeah…..Freedom!

OH…….And I really don’t want to be someone’s bitch. Well, maybe if they pay the mortgage and…….OH CRAP…..I am somebody’s bitch.

I will try to get my much-anticipated post out later today. I’m sure the suspense will kill most of you, but only in my mind.

DISCLAIMER: No people were harmed outside of my mind.

Tags: , , , ,

Blog Search Terms: stupid, scary, sane and sick

23 May

I find it fascinating and disturbing, the search terms that people have used to find my blog. Sadly, it seems hardly anyone actually uses the name of my blog.

Instead they use such terms as:

  • any variation of a person/persons of varying ages tied up: Let me just say: This is not and never will be a porn site. AND…….This is most certainly not a site for pedophiles. BUT…….Seriously, you sickos need to hang out elsewhere.
    • santa claus tied up: AND……Who is the twisted person that wanted to see Santa Claus tied up? What is wrong with you??!!??
    • getting your vibrator to work: UHHHH! Put batteries in it.
    • free gay boys: I’m pretty sure I’ve never solicited boys of any kind on my blog, free or otherwise.
    • shape changers fucking: Is the thrill in watching them change during the event? Someone get back to me on this one.
    • husband and drunk wife invited their best black friend to join: Join your scrabble game? Okay. I am at a loss at how you got here.
    • how to get pregnant with a boy: Stop looking up crap like this! Get back to your homework and do the dishes before your mom gets home.
    • I want tow fucken my friends hasbend.com: First of all, not to stereotype, but I’d like to think you are challenged in the way of language arts and not just a stupid idiot. This is probably not my business, but you clearly want advice on this topic, hence the search. I think you should deviate from this plan. You will lose your friendship and become, if you aren’t already, a big skank tramp. Sorry for the big words, let me rephrase. No fucken hasbend! Lose friend and you big slutto now!
  • Barbies searches are freakishly popular:
    • barbie pregnant, fat, old, slut, drunk, porn
    • ken fucks barbie:
    • drunk barbie cake: Seriously??!!??
    • barbie die
    • barbie hooker
    • ken doll sex
    • two or three barbies
    • barbie surgery
    • ken kills barbie
    • why doesn’t barbie ever get pregnant: Because she isn’t real dumbass!
  • many variations on husband not being your friend
  • celebrities that have rabies: Probably a lot of them.
  • koolaid down syndrome: I have never heard of that diagnosis. I’m fairly certain the consumption of Kool-Aid, does not result in down syndrome. BUT….I am not a medical doctor.
  • snow white kiss my ass: This must be a search by the evil queen or perhaps a disgruntled dwarf. OR…..Am I supposed to say little person?
  • can i fuck your children up and shake them up with ass: If I understand this correctly, you want to research screwing your/someone else’s children up and then frightening them with a backside? Okay. Clearly I will need help with this one. Perhaps I just don’t speak the language. Any translators out there?
  • room spinning and shaking after alcohol: The shaking is a new one to me. Perhaps you were drunk during an earthquake? Anyway……don’t drink so much! Glad I could help.
  • where is gregory godek today?: I had no idea anyone would want to find him. Remember: He is America’s Romance Coach (the one we never knew we had), which is why we must be failing at love so often.

SO…….I suppose I share some responsibility here. Sorry for my misleading posts, which thwarted your search for truth, ultimate stupid answers and sick videos. I imagine these are a few of the culprits.

He’s not my friend. He’s my husband.

 Weekly Photo Challenge: Celebration

 Celebrity News- Mugshots, Rabies and Alec Baldwin

 It’s hard to be an ass over the holidays. (another crappy ass cartoon)

Occupy Oakland and Get Pregnant (Barbie style)

 Whose a Rotten Egg? (Barbie style….)

 Celebrity News: Kids, Conspiracy theories and Dolly

 If it stumbles like a drunk and slurs like a drunk, it might be a drunk. (Part 1),         (Part 2)

Whoring around in the blogosphere…..(inspired by: 911 post)

TAG: The new four letter word or the only word you’ll ever need?

For the saps………….

Cheap Love: Courtesy of “The Coach”

Weekly Photo Challenge: Down

Tags: , , , , ,

Haiku Sunday: It’s a story in Haiku. So sue me.

20 May

Here you are again

Making your presence too clear

On my end of things

It should be enough

That we live in the same place

You need more than that

And apparently…

You need to meet my neighbors

Right up to their door

An introduction

As if we are together

This is disturbing

Meet your own neighbors

And spin your own tales to them

Clueless works for me

Please never forget

Divorce is a soft order

To restrain from such

Tags: ,

Friday Frenzy (5/18/12)

18 May

It’s that time again.

Life wasn’t as thrilling this week, so forgive me, but I’m going to fill the void with graphics.

(Google Images: mommysaidaswearword and Google for all other pics)

I spent almost $100 this week at the hair salon. Can I call it a salon when it’s in the same strip mall as the grocery store? For those of you with gutter minds, I am not referring in any way to strippers. Although, when it gets dark, I hear some crazy things happen behind that building. ANYWAY….I think we are all going to have to go “stranded on an island” or “caveman” style to save money…….OR…….We could take a stab at trying to cut each other’s hair. I’ve got some scrapbook scissors that could work wonders.

The Cute One had another therapy session. He is working on standing unassisted and getting off of furniture the right way. Apparently, falling off isn’t correct. Someone should alert the drunks.

I’ve been burning a hole in my YMCA membership card this week. It’s taken a lot out of me since I’m not accustomed to such activities. I’ve had to prioritize, with the bit of energy I had left at the end of each day. Since I am legally obligated to take care of my children and I’d go more insane if my house went to complete crap………..the computer was not high on my list.

Thing 1 and Thing 2 have a very large social studies packet to complete for school. They were given a week to finish half of it, but they were moving too slowly. I bribed them with extra video game time this week. Shocker! It worked.

I guess I worked myself sick at the Y. I had some crazy “not quite” 24 hour bug. On the upside……It probably helped my weight loss goals a bit.

Update: SO…….Despicable Me,  who owes Cowboy money, finally paid him half of it (what they claim is half….doubts about that) . Despicable restated they aren’t responsible. Really? YOU SEE……They passed the buck. They gave SuckUDry (per them: known to be untrustworthy and owes them money…HMMMMMM!) our property. SuckUDry sold it and kept the money. SO……Even though the deal was made with Despicable Me, we get paid when SuckUDry pays them. Here lies a valuable lesson when you want to screw with someone.  Promise to do something, involve a third-party to lie, steal, whatever………AND THEN……Claim no responsibility. It’s like the people who pop out kids and then pawn them off on others to raise. I bet those kids don’t blame their real parents. After all, they passed the buck. It’s not their responsibility. What a convenient way to live!

Tags: , , , , ,

It’s all fun and games until someone gains weight. *Part One*

15 May

OR……As the case may be, it’s all food and drinks.

It’s been a while, but here is my weight loss update.

I’m in an abusive relationship……with myself. Listen. I know it’s wrong and I should stop, but it’s so love-hate, I don’t know what to do. I am emotionally, mentally, physically and possibly (although I cannot confirm or deny) sexually abusive to myself. AND……Why? It’s all in the name of weight loss. NOW……This type of motivational abuse isn’t for everyone. In fact, it can be quite damaging. SO……Don’t try this at home, unless you are by yourself. The repercussions can be quite messy if you aren’t accustomed. AND…….Under no circumstances is anyone else allowed to be abusive to you for any reason. GOT IT!??!

How it began.

At first I was nice to myself. I told myself (inside voice…literally) I was attractive and looked pretty good in my jeans. My teeth were crap, but I wasn’t going to bash myself for that. I was paying the orthodontist good money to fix that debacle. My hair was a hot mess 70% of the time, but what guy gives a crap about your hair anyway. SO……I guess I mean everything from the neck down. That’s what bags are for anyway. Right asshole guys? I ate whatever I wanted and didn’t worry about exercising. Who has time for that crap?!!?

After having two kids in my thirties, I was still able to fit into a size six. Things were still the same. NOW…….I’m not going to lie. My daughter took the bulk of my breasts and is probably saving for her puberty. After giving birth to her, I was left with what can only be called “National Geographic breasts”, and I think you all know what I mean. I’ve seen quite a few tribal women hanging loose in that mag. I had no interest in this. SO…….Thanks to a wonderful doctor, who got paid to manipulate my upper region without a worry of having to buy me dinner, my girls went back to an upright position.

Things were going well, until I married the man I love and got comfortable. Damn comfort zone! He works nights, so I got into the habit of staying up into the wee hours and eating junk late at night. I was always too tired to exercise the next day. AND……People actually liked this husband, so I was drinking more socially. I noticed the weight creeping up on me when I had to wear tummy tightening gear to fit into my jeans, but I was too busy eating, drinking and being tired to do much about it. Then at 40, I had another baby. Heads up people….not a good way to get your metabolism into high gear. That’s how you go from a 6 to a 14 in 4 years.

This is when the abuse began………………….TO BE CONTINUED

Tags: , , , ,

You could’ve done worse.

11 May

Mother’s Day is right around the corner and for some, that might bring dread.  It could be your mom, mother-in-law or even a grandmother you recognize or force yourself to visit on this day.  For those who think their “maternal” person is annoying, smothering, lacking maternal instinct, downright embarrassing, the direct spawn of Satan and so much more…….WELL……Let’s see if we can turn that around for you. Maybe she’s not as bad as you thought.

The following mothers (meant both ways), might get the prize for Most Annoying, Most Smothering, Most Heartless, Most Embarrassing, Most Likely the spawn of Satan and so much more.

Mary Kay Letourneau

Joan Crawford

Martha Stewart

Courtney Love

Britney Spears

Thomas Beatie

Place pic here if your

“maternal” one makes

the cut.

Tags: , , ,

Friday Frenzy (5/11/12)

11 May

  It’s that time again people.

I am super excited about my earnings with WordPress. Every since they put ads on my page, I’ve been raking it in.  SO FAR…..I’ve made 0.98¢.

My wrists hurt from kickboxing class. WTF! Of course, my ankles are in excrutiating pain after a few rounds of paper, rocks, scissors……AND….Don’t even get me started on paper cuts while using the treadmill.

I can finally fit into a pair of shorts I wore back in 2006. The fact that they have an elastic waistband should not cancel out the achievement.

The infamous person (I will call them: “Despicable Me”), who owes my Cowboy money and refuses to pay, is now offering to handle other people’s money. I have to LMAO about that one. I hope the minions figure it out before they lose their shirts. Seriously, if a buck can be made, those shirts will be taken.

I admit it: I am a blocker. Even though I have felt the sting (heavy sarcasm) of being blocked on Facebook, I have blocked a few people myself. NOW………I actually had a good reason. I blocked a con artist, who has committed felonies and is currently breaking the law with an offense I will not mention. I also blocked an insane woman, who made several false accusations against people. These claims were horrific and would end up in serious jail time if anyone took them seriously. I just found out her latest lie, which was a claim of attempted murder, was discovered to be untrue. The person was set free. NOW………That’s what blocking on Facebook is used for people.

Our yard sucks. We don’t have a good place to put a play set or a swing for The Cute One. It finally occurred to us to bring the fun inside the house. This is the highlight of my week and his. Okay…..he doesn’t look too excited here, but trust me, inside, he is going nuts.

Bloody Blocks Justice Swings 003

Tags: , , ,

Blocked to death!

10 May

It’s a tragedy folks. I’ve been blocked on Facebook. It seems my elimination of friends from my overgrown list, met with some feelings of betrayal for some. Needless to say, the majority of the 95 people I cut, didn’t seem to mind, and they probably haven’t even noticed. BUT……Since I hurt some to the point where they blocked me, I feel an apology letter is in order, to them and anyone getting ready to do the same.

Dear Blocker:

I’m so sorry that I dared to defriend you. I guess I misread the signs of our relationship. You never called me. You never came to visit. You never invited me to visit. We never hung out. You never emailed me. You haven’t communicated with me on Facebook. You clearly have no interest in me as a person. I guess it never occurred to me, that someone who doesn’t wish to be a friend in “real life”, would want to be a friend in “virtual life”. How ignorant of me. Obviously, my decision has cut you to the core, causing you immense pain.

And now, I have been blocked. You showed me and now I suffer. I can never search your name. I will never be able to see your photo shoot quality profile picture. I will never be able to see who our mutual friends are, so that I can secretly quiz them on your status. I already regret our parting. AND……Worst of all, I won’t be able to view your fascinating comments on our mutual friend’s walls. I will miss the days of seeing “OMG. I wish it wasn’t Monday.” and “OMG. I’m so glad it’s Friday.”

It’s hard to hold back the tears, but I will manage somehow. Farewell stranger in life, and unknown bestie in “virtual life”. BUT wait………doesn’t that kind of make you a my stalker? OR……Are you so consumed with yourself that you think everyone else should be too? Isn’t blocking after a defriending kind of like putting on two condoms.  BUT…….I guess you just want to make sure no one gets through. I can’t believe I defriended someone as smart as you. I will regret that decision forever or until I’m done with this post. Whichever comes first.

Good luck in your “virtual life”.

Sincerely,

Defriender

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Mother’s say what?

9 May

As Mother’s Day approaches, I thought we’d break from the usual nonsense and read some words of potential wisdom.

Viewpoints on motherhood and caring for the home:

  • Motherhood is the biggest on-the-job training program in existence today. (Erma Bombeck)
  • God could not be everywhere, so he made mothers (Jewish Proverb)
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. (Phyllis Diller)
  • We’re all in this together — by ourselves. (Lily Tomlin)
  • Naming your baby after the beer you were stank ass drunk on when you conceived, well, it’s just a bad idea. Unless it’s Miller. That’s kind of nice.  (Lorre – Articles of Absurdity)

Advice given by their mothers:

  • If you always do what interests you, at least one person will be pleased. (Mother’s Advice to Katherine Hepburn)
  • My mother said to me, “If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general; if you become a monk, you’ll end up the pope.” Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso. (Pablo Picasso)
  • Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches. (Alice Roosevelt Longworth)
  • It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
  • Time wounds all heels. (Jane Ace)

Thanks Google Images.

Tags: , ,

← Older Entries

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 157 other followers